Five Memories
by littlegreenfish
Summary: Four memories concerning what was, and one concerning what could be. Written for MadQueen Week 2014, using the given themes. 5 drabbles of around 500 words. Enjoy!
1. Missed Opportunities & Wonderland

Missed Opportunities & Wonderland

Jefferson had a lot to think about in his manor in Storybrooke—or at least a lot of _time_ to think. To remember. What else was he supposed to do? Watching his daughter wasn't something he could do all day, and sleeping only brought nightmares of Wonderland.

His memories were all that he had. At least in the waking world he had some control over what he thought about.

Sometimes he thought about things that could have been.

Rumplestiltskin could have been Regina's father.

Snow White could have been her daughter.

Jefferson could have been her friend.

Her peer.

Her shoulder. Her rock. Her anything that wouldn't end with her smile slipping away to the depth's of hell, and his head getting cut off.

Instead, he had been foolish enough to become her lover.

There had been too much laughing and too much smiling for him to realize the mistakes that he was making—that they were _both_ making. What they were doing (the affair) was wrong, of course. That much was obvious.

How were they to know that the queen cheating on her husband with a good-for-nothing thief would end in disaster? Well, maybe if Jefferson had thought about it in those words at the time, they wouldn't have had an affair at all.

Who was Jefferson kidding?

Of course they would have had an affair. He would've run around the world just to see her smile, whether or not The Dark One stuck his nose into the future and said that what they were doing was a terrible idea.

Maybe the problem wasn't been that he'd loved Regina.

Maybe the problem was that he'd lost her.

Jefferson's thoughts back him back to Wonderland, before the place had been poisoned for him forever. He'd taken Regina there on a whim to show her someplace beautiful. She'd been crying when he jumped out of his hat and into his chambers, and it had been the quickest fix he'd been able to think about to make her happy.

The bright colors and dancing flowers had made her smile, and she'd even laughed when they'd been invited to tea by a walrus. In this world, so far away from Regina's responsibilities, he could walk with his arm around her and not fear discovery by the royalty of The Enchanted Forest.

Regina could lean her head on his shoulder, and they could kiss each other in front of an especially pretty grove of trees for no other reason that they were terribly young, and hopelessly infatuated with one another.

The end of the day, if Jefferson recalled it correctly, had taken them back to near where the door back to the Enchanted Forest was watching for them. They were enjoying the last of a picnic that Regina had packed them from the castle kitchens (even then, Jefferson knew not to trust the food of Wonderland) and he was making her laugh with an old story about things that he'd seen before meeting her.

It was then that he missed an opportunity.

As she sighed happily and pressed her face into his shoulder, Regina spoke.

"I wish that we could stay her forever." She murmured.

"Oh, I don't know." He put an arm around her. "I hate Wonderland, really."

He felt her tense and frown against his shoulder, and hated himself for, in a moment of cowardice, swallowing the words that he _really_ wanted to say.

_Then run away with me_.

In Storybrooke, in the present day where he had to live with everything that had gone wrong, Jefferson wondered if he'd made a mistake.


	2. An Apple Red as Blood & A Dance

2. An Apple Red as Blood & A Dance

The hunger in Regina's eyes as they open a portal in the Mills family vault is nothing compared to the twist in Jefferson's gut as his hat starts to spin, but it stirs up old memories all the same.

As the portal opens and Regina guides it to the moment that she almost succeeded in ruining Snow White with a poisoned apple, Jefferson can't help but—in passing—think back to when the queen's desires had been less malicious.

It had been one of the few times that he and Regina had been together in public. Rumpelstiltskin had been the one to arrange it, to get him an invitation to the king's latest ball commending his daughter. There were a lot of those—and not nearly enough celebration of the queen.

If Jefferson had been king (perish the thought) he would never let the kingdom forget how lucky they were to have her. He'd never let _himself_ forget how lucky he was to have her.

As he bowed low for the king and queen, he flashed a dashing smile and applauded Leopold on the two lovely women in his life. The king nodded good-naturedly, perhaps without even committing Jefferson's face to memory, and waited for the next guest to greet him.

The first dance was led by the king and queen. Jefferson took a blonde woman with an elaborate headpiece onto the floor, and was pleased to see that although it had been a long time, he was still an excellent dancer. After that, it was a waiting game.

The guests changed partners every few minutes. It was only a matter of time until he was face-to-face with the only woman in the room—the world, really—who really mattered.

It seemed to take years, but soon enough the music had them turning into one another, and his hand was quite suddenly on her waist as they moved seamlessly into the next round of the dance. It was the furthest from him that he'd ever held her, and he very much disliked that in this setting he wasn't allowed to kiss her.

The hunger in her eyes (so bold, so unwise, so young) told him that she felt the same. At least there was that.

"You look lovely, your majesty." He offered, giving her hand a squeeze as they spun across the ballroom floor.

"Thank you." She said politely, and he swelled with pride when he caught her smiling. Her cheeks were flushed, and she smelled faintly of something sweet—maybe apples. She'd been drinking. It was hard for Jefferson not to start laughing in the middle of the ballroom, for he had never before seen his queen play the part of a _lush_. Many things, but not that.

There were no more words after that, but he enjoyed looking at her.

Too soon, the music pulled them apart, and they found new partners.

Later that night when they met in the queen's chambers, he hummed a low tune and they resumed their dance in much closer proximity to one another. Jefferson felt much better about what they were doing with Regina's head on his chest, and both of his arms properly around her.

When she leaned up to kiss him, she tasted like apples.

"You've poisoned me." He announced. "There's a love potion in the cider you've been drinking. You clever sorceress!"

That made her laugh. She was in fact so pleased that she took him to bed.

He didn't truly appreciate the irony until Regina poisoned her son years later with the same apple she'd used to try and end Snow White. As she announced that they were done with one another, he wondered whether or not she actually _had_ cast a spell on him all those years ago.


	3. A Quote & Everybody Lies

3. A Quote & Everybody Lies

"Look at it however you want, Jefferson. The fact is, I'm done with you."

"But I'm—I'm not done with you."

As Jefferson's world crashed around him and he realized that, once again, Regina had taken away his happiness, he had to wonder whether or not she was lying.

This wasn't the first time that she'd claimed to be through with him.

The first time, it had been a lie. Regina had always been a liar, but then—what was the phrase? _Everybody lies_?

Shortly after they'd started sleeping together, when they were both dealing with a mutual infatuation that was unusually dangerous for two young and attractive people, Regina had decided that what they were doing was absolutely wrong and had to stop.

She'd brought it up while they were hidden away in an empty corner of the Dark One's manor when the imp was out to play. They'd made themselves comfortable in a window seat overlooking the forest, and Jefferson was holding the young queen close, his face buried in her hair.

Regina hadn't seemed eager to rip off his clothes, but that was fine. He was nearing the point in his affections where a lazy day of long embraces and gentle kisses was just as satisfying as reaching up under her skirts.

"Thank you for coming." He murmured, immensely pleased that the queen had accepted his invitation to meet. Things had apparently been busy up at the palace. That was less than pleasing—he wanted Regina to himself. Sharing her with anyone, Leopold or her people, wasn't an aspect of their relationship that he enjoyed. "I missed you."

He started to kiss her neck, and she started to cry. Well, by Regina standards she started to cry. A tear slipped down to her jawline, and he realized that she was very nearly shaking.

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately, pulling away as much as he could considering how tightly they were wrapped up in one another.

"We can't." She took a deep breath, and he was almost frightened of how hard it seemed to be for Regina to keep her composure. "I'm done with this. You. I have to be."

"What are you talking about?" Jefferson asked, relaxing and letting his arms fall back around her. "…done with this? But it's only just started."

"I know that." Regina didn't lean back into his embrace, but she didn't push him away either. "That's why we need to stop this before it gets out of hand."

"Do you really mean that?" Jefferson asked, his voice low as he let his chin rest on her shoulder. "…that's really what you want?"

"Yes." She whispered, and he could hear how much it hurt her to say it.

"Okay." He let go of her and leaned back, and it was the hardest thing he'd done in a long time. "If it's what you want, then it's done."

He wasn't surprised when she turned to face him, threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him senseless. It was what he'd expected, but that didn't excuse the way that his heart had suddenly started to pound when he realized that she really _wasn't_ leaving him.

What truly surprised him in that moment, was that he realized he was in love.


	4. Scenes & Night and Day

4. Scenes & Night and Day

As Henry Mills convinced him that seeing Grace again was a good idea—that she _wanted_ to see him—Jefferson couldn't help but worry that he wasn't a good father. That he'd _never_ be the father that Grace deserved.

But when Grace had seen him for the first time since before Regina had trapped him in Wonderland, he knew that he'd worried far too much. He wasn't the best father in the world. That much was clear. He'd made mistakes.

But despite all that, as Grace ran into his arms, he knew that things were going to work out. Holding his daughter in his arms after years apart was all that it took to convince him that his future—_their _future—had to be better than the past twenty-eight years. _This_ was what mattered. _Grace_ was what mattered.

This moment. This scene. This instant. This second. Getting his daughter back.

That was the only thing that mattered.

Besides, it wasn't as if Regina had the time to hurt him again—too much was happening with the Charmings for her to think about him.

That wouldn't of course, stop him from thinking about her.

Being a good father was the most important part of his life, that was true—but it was while Regina had been in his arms that he'd first even thought about having children.

A year had passed since the start of their affair, but Jefferson was losing track of time and getting lost in Regina. The problem was that he was in love with her, and he had good reason to believe that she was in love with him.

Every now and then, she would say it out loud. It was usually in their quieter moments, curled up together out of sight until one of them (usually Jefferson) had to leave.

"I love you." She would whisper almost shyly, and he would forget that Rumpelstiltskin's lessons were changing her.

"I love you, too." There were more eloquent ways of saying it, but their lives were already so complicated that sometimes simplicity was best.

"How long can you say?" She asked, making herself comfortable against him, maybe because it would make it harder for him to leave.

"Until morning." The thief didn't _really_ have the time to stay all night, but in that moment he couldn't quite bring himself to leave her. The night was quiet, and he'd never loved her more.

"Good." She sighed, closing her eyes and relaxing. Jefferson wrapped an arm around her, and decided to stay awake just a little longer. As he let his thumb brush against her hip, and listened to her breathe, he realized something that was absolute and terrifying.

He loved Regina, and he wanted to be with her. _Really_ be with her. Steal her away. Marry her.

He wanted to be a father.

The realization settled like lead in his stomach, because he was a man of reasonable intellect. He could never have that with Regina. They were too different. Like night and day—and that meant one thing and one thing only.

This couldn't last.


	5. A New Opportunity

5. A New Opportunity

As everything spun out of control, and Regina ran off to Neverland to save her son while Jefferson adjusted to domestic life with his daughter, he tried his best not to think about her. Of course, it didn't work—never had, never would.

He wished her all of the success in the world. Regina had hurt him, but her son didn't deserve to suffer for that, and the former inhabitants of Fairytaleland deserved peace. The sooner that the business with Neverland (Not everyone knew what was going on, but he knew. He always knew.) was over with, the better.

It was one of the few times that Regina had moved through the realms without his aid, the other exception being when the Dark Curse itself was cast and transported Regina and everyone who had "wronged her" to Storybrooke. Thoughts of Regina rushing off to mysterious lands brought him back, for whatever reason, to memories of Wonderland when his ex-lover had abandoned him there as she rescued her father, leaving him to what would have been endless torture if not for the Dark Curse.

Now, he had Grace back, and Regina was gone.

It was ridiculous how often he thought about the mayor despite her absence.

Besides the shock and horror that had pulsed through him when he realized that he'd fallen for another one of Regina's tricks, there was something else that Jefferson had noticed: the way that Regina looked at him before she left him there to rot.

There hadn't been triumph there. No victory. No satisfaction.

She'd looked sad—almost in pain. Almost human.

At the time, Jefferson had also looked distressed. He was, after all, being ripped away from his daughter for what he had assumed would be forever. That was why _he_ had been about to cry. But what reason did Regina have for _looking_ at him like that?

Jefferson didn't like entertaining the idea, but there really only was one explanation. Regina still cared about him, or at least about what they had.

Sometimes, he thought about it while he was trying to fall asleep, and that led to all of the mistakes that he'd made. It was startling how many of them had to do with her. Or maybe it wasn't. It didn't matter, in any case.

_Regina _as he knew her was gone. Long gone. She'd disappeared into Rumpelstiltskin's magic and her hatred for Snow White and everyone else who had ever hurt the queen.

In his darkest moments after Grace was asleep, he thought of Regina's face in Wonderland, and whispered the words that he should have said years and years ago before everything went wrong. The greatest opportunity that he'd ever missed.

"Run away with me."

Weeks later, when Regina returned with her son to Storybrooke and Jefferson saw her in the grocery store, he wanted to leave. He _wanted_ to let Regina phase out of his life for good. Then their gazes met, and he saw it.

Not the mayor.

Not the Evil Queen.

Just Regina.

Instead of leaving, the portal jumper found himself approaching the mayor as she judged the quality of organic cantaloupes.

"Welcome back." He said awkwardly, not sure how to address her on neutral ground after everything they'd been through.

Maybe it wasn't too late to take a chance.


End file.
